Mark Twain, America’s most beloved author from the 19th century, really knew what he was talking about. He was an astute man with a sharp wit and incisive satirical flair, which led him to his place atop the apex of American literature. Works like The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, which has been called the Great American Novel, and The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, have through history been extensively quoted and gained him a level of fame that found him cavorting with the likes of presidents, artists, industrialists and European royalty.
But more than all that, we want to pay homage to this man by highlighting what has become- in our minds at least- his most defining and lasting contribution to society, which he neatly summed up in 13 simple words:
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”
In honor of this great American novelist, we’d like to salute the man by showcasing in modern day pictographic terms, just how well and alive his words are today. By completely ignoring what some may believe to be his more significant works and contributions to society, we are taking a more realistic approach to our commemorative commentary on Mr. Twain.
Below you will find 10 men, who thanks to this Twainian credo, have been able to get the girl. OK, so maybe talent had a little something to do with their success. But let’s face it, all talent aside, these 10 men are downright ugly. Yet because they dress better than you or I ever will, they will always get the girl.
In no particular order:
1) Bill Maher – The perfect example as to how the equation, acerbic wit + super human intellect + great tailoring + troll-like face = seeing him with a new 21 year old hot girl every time he goes out.
2) Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan – Though some may not be so familiar with our dapper Tortoise of the Senate (the similar reference to Ted Kennedy as “The Lion of the Senate” had less to do with looks, more to do with his tenacity of character), Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan gets much of his legislation passed simply because his fellow senators find doing business with a tortoise in a bow tie as quite frankly the funniest thing on capitol hill.
3) Diddy – First off, having a fragrance called “I Am King” immediately puts you at a disadvantage. Quite frankly we hate you for that. But behind the beautiful suits and the fancy champagne stands a man who really is not all that good looking. Did you ever wonder why 97.5% of the time, Mr. Diddy is wearing sunglasses? No offense to our down-syndrome brethren, but he kinda looks like he has down syndrome, or what many less enlightened still refer to as a Mongoloid. I don’t want to be offensive, so let’s just leave it at we think Diddy looks like a Mongoloid sans-sunglasses.
4) President Franklin Delano Roosevelt – Before you go and get your tie all in a knot, we’re not saying that getting Eleanor Roosevelt necessarily qualifies FDR as having “gotten the women.” However, to her credit, the lady does have quite a pedigree, having been born into the elite New York high society known as the “swells” and therefore to some can be considered quite the “catch.” However, our standard response to any questions raised about her physical prowess will always steadfastly remain, “She’s a really nice woman.” But I digress. Back to FDR.
A true gentleman. A true man of class, intellect and compassion. He was the only president elected to more than two terms and led America through some of its toughest times- The Great Depression and WWII. Through it all, he always kept his tie knotted tight and high, his shirts pressed and fitted and his trusty pocket watch at his side. Despite this however, we still need to ask the man, Why the long face? Take a close look and FDR resembles Mac Tonight of McDonald’s fame circa 1986.
5) Fred Astaire – When a man of such stature as Fred Astaire conjures up images of Barney Fife of The Andy Griffith Show, you know you’re an ugly man. When a man such as Fred Astaire, who could dance, sing, act, choreograph the best shows Broadway or Hollywood ever saw, yet still looks like a caricature of himself in a bow tie, you know you’re an ugly man. We respect him too much to continue on with this blasphemy.
6) Jay-Z – The man lays down next to Beyonce every night- that automatically ups the expectations for the guy. Sure, he’s widely considered the best rapper alive. Sure, he’s since graduated from his laughable days of Roc-A-Wear to become a bonafide style icon in the world of music. And sure, maybe he has the charm, charisma, wit and confidence that would get a two-inch dick the girl. But the simple fact remains: Jay-Z is ugly. For one, his nose and mouth/lips take up at least 1/3 of face real estate. And secondly, if you squint just the right amount, Jay kinda begins to look like Mr. Magoo and Elmer Fudd wrapped up into one comical rapper.
7) Keith Richards – Mr. Richards has probably slept with more women than all of us combined. But for arguments sake, let’s say we plucked Keith Richards from this stylish LV ad and placed him in a line-up of average looking men say in a country like Micronesia (Any Pan-Asian-Pacific country will do). In this scenario, local women would be asked to pick the seed of their child. My bet is that he would be picked dead last. Sans fame and clothes, Keith Richards is just another junkie from Skid Row.
8 ) Thom Yorke – It took me a moment to decide if this was Thom Yorke or Clay Aiken. Once I was able to confirm that this was in fact Thom Yorke- Clay Aiken is ugly, terribly dressed, gets no women…or guys for that matter- I knew I had a quandary on my hands. All talent aside, Mr. Yorke does not even come close to trying to dress the part, look cool. get the girl, etc. Mr. Yorke essentially pulls off the aloof, talented, wunderkind role so well, it’s hard to bad mouth one that does not even try nor care in the least bit what we all say about him. It’s like that look that’s taken hold where one attempts to pull off a disheveled, controlled chaos, just-rolled-out-of-bed look yet in actuality it’s the most time-consuming contrived look of any out there…except Mr. Yorke’s seems to be genuine in nature. I suppose I can only say Thom Yorke looks like Clay Aiken, which should get my point across just fine.
9) Pete Doherty – Poster boy for “Say No To Drugs” Looks like your average street junky desperate for a fix and would put anything in his mouth to do so. However, the man looks so damn stylish doing it. We can’t help but think Mr. Doherty is the inspiration to The Chinese Man Inspiring Fashion in China.
10) Oscar Wilde – Our hero. By far the best dressed, erudite, sophisticated gentleman there ever was. We can’t verify if he actually got the girls, but we can verify that he was one of the top 10 ugliest men to ever walk the earth. And even his master tailor with his immaculately tailored suits couldn’t hide this fact. We still adore you Mr. Oscar Wilde.